02/26
Today was a good day. I got the computer formatting work started and it is progressing quite OK. Spent a lot of time on the synth but thats OK. Had lovely khichadi for lunch at Asmita's. Fun. As it is sometimes. At other times I find people tough. But anyway Asmita is better than most. And I also have this singing class with her. Hell I have problems. My voice is not open enough, and i get too conscious and try extra-hard during singing and thats not good. I have to practise at home damn I hope I get better. I do think it is just a confidence thing. And I have to progress with all the work.

Week 02/26
Must get the computer formatted and working by Monday. Must install office and create a new resume. Must at least attend the fair Tuesday and submit resume to Intel by Monday night.

Must go to gym every single day. Must exercise control over eating - eat less at nights.

Must finish grading Program 4 by Tuesday, Program 5 by Thursday. Must read LB paper for 4 hours and other paper for 2 hours before kassy meeting on Tuesday. Must read Sriram stuff for 6 hours before Wednesday. Must complete stat HW by Monday night. Must leave at least 4 hours for Kassy paper thursday.

Be more free and interactive with all. Esp colleagues.

Must get DL thing done by Friday. That will involve probably 1 unfruitful trip which should probably be done by Wednesday.

Week ending 02/25
Im not very happy. Im not being able to discipline myself with my eating habits, I am overweight fat not being regular with gym. I am not doing too well at studies, need to improve a lot. I have no goal, no idea what I am doing or why I am doing. I have momentary desires to leave it all and go back and pick up some other profession - viz. writing. I am far away from family and don't even feel like talking to them. None of my friends care for me. They are all busy with their lives. In fact wherever the opportunity comes, they enjoy ridiculing and criticising me.

About the only positive thing I see is that I enjoy the Qawwali program and such social events. Music, art, literature that is the kind of thing that is likely to fill my heart with joy.

02/25
Was a terrible terrible day. Didnt get out of the house whole day, hogged like a madman and in general was frustrated. I have had it with Dipti. Shes too frustrating. And I realise there is no point in planning anything that depends on anyone, and it is always essential to have alternate plans ready.

I also seriously wonder whether it is worth staying in this God-damned country where I have to struggle for little little things like phones and drivers licenses. I felt like just going back to India and trying to get a job as a cricket writer somwehere and forget all this. Then again, do I want to ? Why should I need to talk to others before making a decision like this ?

Withdraw from bank 10
Lunch 6.25
Dinner 4

02/24
Today was a fine day. For a change I woke up and went to class on time and didn't spend too much time on the net. Conversation with Kajari throws up some ugly questions - like what I am doing, why I am back that try to depress me - but luckily I try to be happy. And surprise surprise I do feel happy right from grading to chatting with office mates to the meeting with Kasturi to gym right thru to qawwali. Qawwali night was brilliant - a wonderful experience. Very glad I didnt miss it. Dipti's company was OK though. Nothing great.I probably need to get more serious at the same time more free.

02/24
1330-1430 Read for colloq
1430-1530 Kass meet
1530-1700 Colloq
1700-1900 Gym
2030- Milind
2200-2230 Diary
2230-2300 Goover

Shoppin List
Glasses

02/23
Well today at least I go to office on time and dont waste too much time. But then I do that surfing the net anyway. Actually it is only one hour but it seems so much. hell I dont just have enuf time. AR group thing is a bit of a waste of time I feel. How is it really going to help ? I guess I need to interact with people if it has to be a help. Otherwise it is quite pointless. I have to come home for the office job and then invariably I sleep for an hour. I also am stuck at Kass's paper. Hell if I get stuck at small things like this there is no way I can progress fast. What the hell am I supposed to do ?? I guess regular reading and keeping in contact with him is the only way to go. I do get the feeling that I am all alone and that none of my friends care for me or rather they all have an attitude against me. Ive gotten used to it. I really dont know how to react. It would be so much better if I knew what I was doing and why and that I was progressing towards it but that is not the case. Today was better as far as weight went but I think I messed it all up by eating wings today. Sad. Just couldn't resist temptation

1000 - 1100 AR Paper
1100 - 1130 Phone
1130 - 1230 AR
1500 - 1700 Gym
1700 -
2 Kass
2200 - 2230 Diary
2230 - 2300 Goover
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02/24 Shakha 1930 -
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03/01 Stat HW due
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Shopping list
Shampoo
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02/22
Once again, despite getting up on time I mess up laze around and am unable to go to class on time. But that is OK, what is not OK is that I spend another hour and half fooling around on the internet. At that time I dont think it is a problem because I think I have it covered but then it turns out it is. Although meeting with Sriram goes quite good I realize I have to buck up on work. Pizza party is fine but again Im a bit hurt by the way my friends treat me - not waiting at the party and all that - but Im OK with that now - I realize they have their engagements and all. But whatever. What freaks me out is that even after this I fool around on the net resulting in delay on my work of grading. Career fair seminar is TP, nothing much. But TA work really gets at me. I mean I know Im doing only what is bare necessary and I have to do this much but wha tthe hell it is such pathetic work. And I dont even do a good job of it. Again like stat HW I need to get part of this done before hand and only part on the last day. And then I can perhaps do a better job of it too. Not grade for the sake of grading. And this horrid schedule is really getting at me. I mean I have to go so early Im unable to be fully ready and am really exhausted by the time evening comes along. this resulted me in wasting an hour and delay to gym today. Really really pathetic. But I dunno what I can do. I do need to do something about my weight though and I have decided to drastically cut down on dinner.

Again at home Im pretty pissed off with the attitude of Vici and Rahul. I mean I know I have some weaknesses but they really get at me. Fucking frustrating.

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02/14
Today was also pretty bad. It was actually extremely satisfying to be able to help atul crack his cipher. But that kind of messed up my schedule. It kind of throws up an interesting dilemma about the merits and demerits of meticulous planning. After all one plans so that one may get satisfaction. What would give better satisfaction ? Sticking to a well-formulated plan or doing instinctive challenging satisfying activities ? But that was not the worse part. After lunch I simply could not stick to anything planned. I think it is pretty frustrating having lunch alone. I have got to say some of my fears are beginning to come true and Im no longer enjoying this in one sense at least. The terrible working conditions in my office could be another factor. Note to self: Work outside off ice as much as possible. Plus I think I am suffering an addiction to the internet again, especially to the cricket chat. Hmmm ... must do something about it. Exam didnt go too well either. Blah. Dinner with Madhura and Aditya was great tho.
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02/15
Today was much better. Altho I got frustrated by having to do TA work for most of the day, at least it was some work and some work successfully done. The down side was that I forgot to keep a couple of appointments - nothing important but still. This is a good way of going about it. Fix appointments and let the rest take care of itself. I need to do something about the TA stuff. It is taking too long and is becoming too difficult. Must prepare better on time. It was much better to hang around with kajari and anurag and all. This might make this a little better. Thats exactly what I needed. Also was satisfied that I could go and buy the CDs. But couldnt care to install them. Sad. Definitely before next game. Gym was good except my weight has increased just a little bit. Perhaps I should be thinking of going to gym on weekends also. And I need to be more particular about blogging. Maybe I should blog on the non cricket blog like once a week.
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02/16
Today was wasted. It always was likely once I watched the whole match. Having said that I did manage to go to AR group and got quite a bit of it. But perhaps spending an hour in the morning online isnt such a good idea. as it slows you down for the rest of the day. anyway i had this sudden urge today. and i ended up patching up with kassy which im not very happy about. or perhaps just dont care. anyway the worst part was that i missed gym. god i must do it regularly
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02/17
The worst possible start - missing class and with it the quiz. Ive got to do something about this and I have decided that Im going to get the phone and ask someone to call up every wednesday and friday. And then I wasted time in the morning ... god ... this is really bad every time i fail to get something done i waste more time in frustration ... it is not very nice to have such conversations with baba on msn ... anyway .. got to get something done about the phone .. im going to take verizon now ...must do something friday nights ... party, dates something ... dates ? should i go out on dates ? i can do that next friday .. question is whom with ? would it be fair to ask deepti ? i mean i dont really want to you know ... but wouldnt it be better to ask someone i know ... anyway ... im gonna get a phone and im gonna think about starting dating.
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02/18
I wake up fairly late and I find Vici still not home - it is a bit of a shock. I kind of expected them to be back by the night. Anyway I figure they might be too tired to drive back late in the night so maybe they would have come back in the morning but later it turns out they dont come till evening and it pretty much sucks. So I dont really get much done all day. I want to apply for intel internship but I dont have Office to make my resume, gosh that sucks. And then I cant get anything done abt the phone either. That sucks too. And it is so cold out there ... I dont even feel like going to the gym. That really sucks. I decide to clean the bathroom and I dont even have the equipment to clean. So all in all pretty frustrating what ? At least I go out to shop with these people and help them out with cooking and that is really fun. I especially find myself for the first time attracted to this Dipti. And I mean in a pretty strong physical manner. I think this time I should go ahead with it. Otherwise what the hell ?? But problem is whenever I start to get attracted to someone I mess up. But anyway I think I need to do something this time. I need to at least make an attempt. By the end of this week I need to at least ask her out. Maybe by Thursday night. Till then I guess I need to flirt with her. Shit ! While I am having fun Im still getting very little work done. Need to get serious. I will of course need that if I have to get involved eventually in a relationship. But at the same time why do I still feel something for Kassy ? This is realy really annoying. Im pretty frustrated abt my laptop problems too and with Vici for that rather needless fight in 304
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Week ending 02/18
Sleep is a problem. Not just on match days which is understandable but also otherwise. Need to sort it out. Missed another quiz this week. Not good. Need to see if something can be done about it. Also not having a phone does not help. This week has been terrible as far as phone is concerned. Damn I have no credit. I must move fast to get things done this coming week. Firstly need to check Verizon. I guess I have been able to manage the studies part better mainly because there has been less load but I need to be studying even more. Going over is a good idea, but I think for each course I need to plan something for the week and get it done. Doing pretty well with my blog. So thats good. Have just got to write up the review of the last match - oh yeah, week review needs to be done and should write at least 1 preview to the england series. Kassys poems have been nothing great. I have thought about a topic for poetry. Maybe solitude. Yes I will think about that this week.Suffered from intense net addiction at the start of the week, got better later. Having fun with friends but also getting annoyed with them. Definitely got to get my laptop in order. First priority - get the CDs from shridhar. I still dont understand what I want to do abt my feelings for Kasy. I think at some point of time I want to have a tete-a-tete with her. Talk to her about a lot of personal stuff. I am most disappointed by my friends ditchin me over chicago - luckily i get over it pretty easily. But I need to really hurry up with several things - phone laptop in particular. The best part of the week was my slowly developing attraction for Dipti. And Im hoping it will turn into something fruitful.
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02/20
Yesterday was a day I almost didnt live. I got up later after watching th ematch and immediately at 11 went to the CDD and got home only late in the early hours of today. CDD was fine except for a slight sense of not being really needed. And sadly I couldnt flirt ans socialize too many either. I get all this very weird feeling yesterday. There are so many girls - Dipti, Kajori, Kassy and Ashmeet to be precise and oh hell it is a royal mess. And worse. I dont really want to talk abt it. All I can say is that Im pretty sad that I dont really feel that attracted to Dipti today - not like I was the day before - maybe it is her in her heans that does it - sp again Im very unsure of what I want to do abt her. I am pretty unhappy about not doing anything but just freaking out whole day esp night which is going to affect my sleep cycle real bad.BUt then what the hell Im going to meet JB and Meenal only once in several months or so - it was fun with them.
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02/21
Luckily I could get up in time for class today. I was pretty satisfied with my mid term results tho I wasnt quite tops. But the intense sleep took over.SLept four hours missed gym (WORST). Then in the evening Kassy calls for dinner. Im all for it becoz that means I wudnt have to make dinner. I have fun there. But then you know it is always weird with Kassy. Today was particularly weird. Today I felt for her again pretty strongly, so much so I felt I needed to walk away soon. Of course we saw this movie together, the gods must be crazy. Wonderful movie.
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02/13
Today was a terrible day. I didnt get any sleep and it proved disastrous again. I have got to do something about it.Once I have the match I cant possibly not watch it. But worse was when I got the bad news about the phone - and I let it affect me too badly. The whole day was wasted worsened by my fever. At least got some work done. But have got a lot of catching up to do tomorrow.

Week endind 02/12
It was a good week as in I got this activity started. I
t was not good mid week to have a fight with family. That really felt bad and upset me and my schedule. But later it got better.
Also I should remember to be more disciplined with my schedule as it can work wonders. In particular wake up on time so I dont have to return home again and again
The best part was that the gym thing is in motion and gathering pace. Looking pretty good on that count.
But I also need to bring in some discipline in keeping myself and the house clean and tidy. as well as my belongings.
The most important worry is the continued lack of motivation in seeking jobs. I really dont know what to do about this.
I also think I need t assert myself more. Altho there exists the question - how much should I adapt for the sake of society ?? Should I take part in conversation that Im clearly not interested in or that I find pretty silly ?
But I also need to devote some time to poetry, reading and writing. At least match reviews are going good. But maybe I should give this higher priority.
Also I need to be more focussed and directed on studies. Maybe I should go over what I learnt each day.
Also Im worried about my patience and discipline in cricket writing. maybe im not just getting enough rewards. But then should i be writing for rewards ?? maybe I should try harder to get my writing published.
The worst part was the behavior of some of my friends here in Iowa City. Shridhar, Amlan and Kajori in particular. Shridhar it seems tends to think he is doing us a favor by attending our parties and stuff. As for Kajari I just dont see her anymore.
Also I need to get some direction with my music. There is no point in just playing out tunes for the sake of it. It gives relaxation but little else. no gains, no long term satisfaction either. Try to get the talk with Asmita done ASAP.
It was pretty sad to have missed NGOs birthday. But why is it that I dont feel bad enough ?? That in itself is sad.
Hey, why is it that Im still concerned about Kassy ? Altho I know that she is now engaged. Why is it that it bothers me that she might leave at the end of the semester ?

So yesterday I hear this talk given by this faculty candidate and it seems quite interesting. But then again I feel depressed and unsure whether what I am doing is correct. Am I at the right place at all doing the right thing ?? Well most certainly I feel I am not. But the thing is that I dont know what the right place and right thing is. So rather than drift along it is better to take some path while you really figure everything out ain't it ?? I hope so.

I guess constant evaluation and flexibility is what is necessary.

Kassy is really hurting me these days and Im not even sure what to do about it.

Ideas

1. Use of Erdos Number for other apps - 1) friends in orkut

Plan for today
5-7 Gym (4.45 -7.15 actually)

Damn Yahoo ! So slow !!

I do not feel like having a bath :-(

More mugs.

Look into accounts.

Need to go to Walmart. Toothpaste.

Join ACM

Need to find out more about permanent of a matrix

Determinants for that matter. What the hell are they used for ?

Read more about histograms.

OK. So let me make things simple. I will allocate 2 hours tonight ... from 10 to 12 for the Approx. Algorithms stuff.

And Ill download the FRIENDS transcripts when I go home.

Remember to send Mama the check and give Amlan the money(Latter done, hell why doesnt blogger provide strike thru ?? Guess I need to find that) . I guess I can do that now.

Consider buying phone. Really I see the foll. options - Singular, T-Mobil and Verizon. Will ask Amlan if T-Mobil is really too bad in Iowa. Ask Ajay about family plans.